A letter from Prime Minister Stephen Harper's office to all members of the federal Conservative Party of Canada:Dear fellow Conservatives,
As you know, the success of any political party depends on strict party discipline. To that end, the Prime Minister - who shall from here on in be referred to as Father Dearest - has instituted a set of rules. Remember, these are rules, not guidelines. We all know how the philosophy of using guidelines has resulted in liberals raising unruly, terrorist-like children in the past. That will not be tolerated in the federal Conservative family.
To that end, Father Dearest would like to remind you that:
1. Thou shalt not speak ill of Father Dearest at any time, in any format.
2. All communications with the media shall be vetted through Father Dearest's office first.
3. All public communications must refer only to Father Dearest's Five Point Platform. That is the only reason you exist: to talk about the Five Points.
4. Thou shalt not bring cell phones and/or godless Blackberries™ into caucus meetings. The federal Conservative party fully supports the Luddite movement. Game Boys™ are definitely out as long as you are a member of parliament, inside or outside of caucus.
All offenders shall be severely punished according to Father Dearest's secret Disciplinary Manual™, which has been approved by James Dobson. Any leaks of the methods involved shall be dealt with by immediate deportation to a French country.
Father Dearest's office will update you on any further rules as they become necessary to deal with willful disobedience by members of The Party™.
Well-disciplined children make for a happy, functional family that is beyond reproach. Remember, this is all for your own good.
Sincerely,
Office of Father Dearest
Ottawa, Ontario
This communication has been approved by Father Dearest.
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