How to Lie Like a Conservative

The truth hurts. And politicians don't like pain. It's uncomfortable. So they do everything they can to avoid the truth. Thus, they have to come up with imaginative ways to cover up what's real. And that's what happened in Question Period on Monday:

The Minister of Housing and Social Development, Diane Finley:
'This government has not cut any program spending on women. None. We have cut administration, yes, because that does not help women on the ground.'

(Fact: The Conservative government recently cut $5 million from the Status of Women agency's budget. It has also cut funding for other programs that are very relevant to the advancement of women in society including the Court Challenges program, funds for literacy, and the child tax credit.)

Here are some more creative ways for the Tories to lie when they're faced with questions they just can't answer honestly:

Environment Minister Rona Ambrose:
"The Kyoto Protocols weren't 'scrapped'. In fact, they were cut into little pieces, placed on a roll and Prime Minister Harper is now using that roll in his washroom at 24 Sussex Drive.'

Agriculture Minister Chuck Strahl:
'We're not trying to destroy the Canadian Wheat Board. We're just trying to change its name to the 'Disappeared Board'.'

Foreign Affairs Minister Peter MacKay:
'We're not George Bush's sockpuppets. We don't even know what sockpuppets are. And if we did know what sockpuppets were, we certainly wouldn't be sockpuppets.'

Defence Minister Donald O'Connor:
'Yes, I said the war in Afghanistan war won't be won militarily but that's before I realized we actually had troops fighting over there.'

Treasury Board President John Baird:
'I'm not a loudmouthed bully. I just think that ANYONE WHO HAS THE AUDACITY TO QUESTION ME ABOUT ANYTHING AT ANY TIME HAD BETTER REALIZE THEY'VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. [insert exploding head here] Sorry...Stockwell Day was pinching my butt when I said that.

Justice Minister Vic Toews:
'My 3 strikes law isn't too tough. I feel sorry for criminals and I just want them to be housed and fed for the rest of their lives in a secure environment until they die a very lonely death.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper:
'I didn't muzzle my cabinet ministers. I just told them not to talk about anything except quantum physics. None of them have taken up that opportunity yet. That's all.'