So, you're sitting at home on a Thursday nite flipping through the channels while you're watching CSPAN's online coverage of the faux Iraq war debate in the house (and wondering why you're even watching it because it's so bloody predictable and useless) when, suddenly, you lose your feed. Is it Realplayer? Nope. You can't reach other sites either. Your internet connection is toast.
Of course this is only the zillionth time that's happened and the last time it did you had router issues and it took 5 flipping hours to fix the problem because the file you needed on Linksys's site was impossible to open, so you had to find the same file somewhere else - all the while having to adjust your settings from your modem back to your router ad infinitum. You finally get the damn file unzipped (and curse Linksys's tech department because they were of no help whatsoever) and you get online again.
So, this time, you're thinking - NOT AGAIN! Then...one of your roommates tells you that the cable TV isn't working either. And you hadn't even noticed because you were so caught up in thinking about the technical hell you might now be facing. Hmmm...and you just had some guys from the cable company over today to fix all of the screwed up wiring and you're thinking maybe they screwed up big time somewhere. Then you try to call the cable company (which also has extremely crappy support services) and the number is busy. Busy? It's never been busy before. It always went to the automated voice system that you hate. Hmmm...
Then you switch on the local radio station which you only have to listen to, thankfully, for a few minutes because they have right-wing talk show hosts who are just bloody annoying. The news comes on - nothing. Okay, well maybe nobody actually did bomb the cable company's office. Good. So you go back to your computer and fiddle around with all of the settings you know how to fiddle around with because you've done that so many times before. You reboot the modem. You reboot the router. Strange things are going on with the modem lights that shouldn't be. Okay. Well, you just decide that something must be wrong at the cable company's end - so you'll wait.
You call the cable company again - busy once more. This does not look good.
In the meantime, you run your spyware, clean up some old files, go to play games but realize you toasted the Windows games long ago (when you were fiddling with something else) and forgot to replace them but you spot that Boggle CD you got out of a cereal box. Okay, You can play Boggle. And the good thing about playing it offline is that you can add your own words to the dictionary, so when you make shit up, you always have a workaround so you can score more points.
That grows old really fast and you're not really in the mood to read that bio of Gandhi you've got because you just listened to flipping Republican warmongers lie all day in congress and you're in no mood to be humble or compassionate at this particular moment. Your roommates are hiding in their rooms doing who knows what and you're not hungry. You start some housecleaning but that gets old really fast too.
Then the TV comes back on. There's hope!
Nope, no internet connection.
Then some 5 hours later, your local TV news comes on (and you curse your city of almost 1 million people for having such ass-backwards TV stations that the only time you can actually get breaking news is at noon, six o'clock and eleven. What kind of flipping service is that? (Oh and I forgot to mention that all of the shows are reruns - already - and Larry King was talking about gay marriage and gay bishops with Andrew Sullivan and some priests. Yeah, that was entertaining.)
So finally, you find out there's been a freak accident in the city (which those damn TV stations still haven't posted anything about on their sites that you can link to as proof because they're luddite geezers who still don't understand that the internet is a 24 hour medium). Anyway, some transformer got too wet or something from all the rain you've had in the city and decided to blow up. Not only that, the live electrical lines landed on two people who were crossing the street. Ouch. The people will be fine. That's good. In the meantime, power was knocked out to 600+ people - not me, thank goodness, or I might have slit my wrists by that time) and the cable and the light rail transit system are down too.
Okay. You can deal with that. Finally, The Daily Show and the Colbert Report come on so you get some comic relief. Up for a bathroom break and some toast and peanut butter, you see that the modem isn't flashing weirdly anymore so you try your internet connection and voila! Relief.
Now, let me tell you this terrorists: don't you ever take out an internet service provider because - mark my words - you do not want to incur the wrath of people like me who, although we're avowed pacifists, might suddenly decide it looks like a damn good day to proclaim a western fatwa and hunt you suckers down until we get every last one of you.
So - don't even think about it.
Bloggers become extremely agitated when they can't blog and there's just no way of telling how we would really react to prolonged periods without access to the internets. And take my advice: you do not want to find out.
And with that, I will now hit 'post'.
(And no Random News & Views tonite because I'm too damn tired.)
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