'Lame Duck Pardons Turkey'

That's the Newsweek headline for a column written by Andy Borowitz:

In what White House insiders are calling an act of "poultry solidarity," the president said that he had decided to pardon the turkey months ago and was determined to "stay the course."

"I'm the decider, and I have decided that this turkey is innocent," Bush told the gaggle of White House press corps assembled on the lawn.

While the president clearly chose to pardon the turkey as a way of showing Democratic leaders that he was still a force to be reckoned with, one aide acknowledged that Bush had a much bolder move in mind before his party's "thumpin’" in the midterm elections: "He wanted to pardon Jack Abramoff."

But moments after Bush released the turkey from captivity, incoming Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi blasted the president's decision as "unilateral" and “extrajudicial," adding that congress was prepared to subpoena both Bush and the turkey--assuming they could find it.

The controversy over the president's decision ended abruptly, however, when White House spokesman Tony Snow announced later in the day that Vice President Dick Cheney had accidentally shot the turkey to death.

"Apparently, the vice president mistook the turkey for a quail," Snow said. "At least he's getting closer."