Bush Declares War on E. Coli

"Good evening. This past week the American people have come under assault by a new kind of enemy - an evil, deadly enemy that kills without mercy, but not without purpose. As your president, my primary job is to protect the security of all Americans. Therefore, on this day, I have issued a signing statement to declare war on this new insurgent: the terrorist organization known as e. coli.

Spinach is a peaceful vegetable, but it has recently been infiltrated by extremist elements known as e. coli, which we believe is a homegrown threat with ties to al Qaeda. Note the similarity in the names: "e. coli", "al Qaeda". My intelligence sources tell me that e. coli has indeed been in touch with al Qaeda and that is why congress must pass wiretapping laws that will ensure that I can break existing laws with impunity protect the American people by listening in on their conversations without a warrant. Your national security depends on it. Those who oppose such measures are simply e. coli appeasers who are placing your lives at risk. That can not stand. In order to win this war against extremist bacteria I, as your president, must use every available resource to crush this new enemy.

E. coli has a totalitarian ideology that creates massive diarrhea, serious cramps and, in select cases, even death. It hates America for its freedom to eat whatever we want, to make healthy food choices and will stop at nothing to achieve its ultimate aim: fear of vegetables. Its goal is to drive people away from the produce section and straight into the junk food aisle, ensuring that we, as a people, will then succumb to high cholesterol and heart attacks.

It is a devious enemy and our Homeland Security department is working hard to uncover these dangerous e. coli sleeper cells that are threatening our freedoms and the health of our families. They will not rest and neither will I as we track down these terrorists and round them up in petri dishes to eventually face their fate in military tribunals at Guatanamo Bay. And that is why congress must pass laws ensuring that Gitmo detainees are not allowed to see the classified evidence we have against them. I urge congress to give me the power to fight this evil e. coli and radical spinach by all means possible and to do it before November when the Democrats, who are in league with this fascist spinach, take over congress and strip me of my almighty powers.

The war against this enemy is more than a bacterial conflict. It is the decisive ideological struggle of the 21st century, and the calling of our generation. Our nation is being tested in a way that we have not been since the start of the Cold War. We saw what a handful of our enemies can do with box-cutters and plane tickets. And we have intelligence that indicates that e. coli may have had a role in those attacks on our country on 9/11. We hear e. coli's threats to launch even more terrible attacks on our people. And we know that if they were able to get their hands on weapons of mass distribution, they would use them against us.

We face an enemy determined to bring death and suffering into our homes. America did not ask for this bacterial war, and every American wishes it were over. So do I. But the war is not over -- and it will not be over until either we or the extremists emerge victorious. If we do not defeat these enemies now, we will leave our children to face a produce section overrun by terrorist bacterium and radical spinach armed with deadly bacteria. We are in a war that will set the course for this new century -- and determine the destiny of millions across the world.

And, that is why you must elect only Republicans this November. The future of all of our vegetables is at stake. We are now in the early hours of this struggle between tyranny and freedom. Amid the violence, some question whether the vegetables of the produce section want their freedom, and whether the forces of moderation can prevail. With our help, those vegetables are now stepping forward to claim their freedom. And they have one question for us: Do we have the confidence to do in the produce aisle what our fathers and grandfathers accomplished in Europe and Asia? To that, we must respond with a confident 'Yes'.

We will not fail our vegetable patches. We will not fail those which sit in their bins, waiting to be sold. We will attack e. coli on every front and with full force but, for now, if you buy bagged spinach the terrorists win. So, try romaine lettuce instead for a few weeks and we'll get back to you.

Thank you."