Sunday, May 28, 2006

How to Start a Nuclear War

Here's just what the world doesn't need:

WASHINGTON, May 28 — The Pentagon is pressing Congress to approve the development of a new weapon that would enable the United States to carry out nonnuclear missile strikes against distant targets within an hour.

The proposal has set off a complex debate about whether this program for strengthening the military's conventional capacity could increase the risks of accidental nuclear confrontation.

The Pentagon plan calls for deploying a nonnuclear version of the submarine-launched Trident II missile that could be used to attack terrorist camps, enemy missile sites, suspected caches of biological, chemical or nuclear weapons and other potentially urgent threats, military officials say.

If fielded, it would be the only nonnuclear weapon designed for rapid strikes against targets thousands of miles away and would add to the president's options when considering a pre-emptive attack.

Gen. James E. Cartwright, the chief of the United States Strategic Command, said the system would enhance the Pentagon's ability to "pre-empt conventionally" and precisely while limiting the "collateral damage."

What was that, General Cartwright? Are you talking about killing who knows how many innocent civilians? "Collateral damage", my ass. And just how would you ensure that so-called limited risk? Your troops on the ground don't seem to have a very good handle on that and they're just feet away from the people they're killing. Then again, since the Pentagon refuses to actually release statistics on all of the people you've killed 'by accident', I guess we'll never know what those limits really are, will we?

One possible situation, Mr. Bartlett said, would be "people putting together some terrorist weapon, and while they are putting it together we can take it out, and if we miss that opportunity it may show up on the streets of New York City or Washington, D.C."

Look, Mr Bartlett: if your boss and his administration were actually doing what they said they would - protecting and securing your homeland by actually inspecting cargo in ships and securing your airports, maybe you wouldn't have to come up with these ridiculous new weapons plans. Then again, you don't want those military contractors who lather Republicans with endless money to suffer, now do you?

Doesn't the Pentagon have enough weapons to kill people with already?

Still another might involve the need to destroy an enemy missile equipped with a chemical, biological or nuclear warhead before an adversary can launch it at the United States or its allies.

Ah yes...ballistic missile defense. Yeah. Get back to me when you can actually prove that works. Canadians don't want your failures dropping out of the sky on top of us, thank you very much.

Acquiring the sort of precise intelligence that would give the president enough confidence to order the launch of a ballistic missile within an hour might also be a daunting proposition.

Who needs that pesky intelligence stuff when Bush believes he's on a mission from God? We all know God doesn't work for the CIA.

"We are going to put a target area in the ocean so people can actually see what it looks like when it hits the earth and don't confuse this with a mushroom cloud," he said.

When big things blow up, General Cartwright, people aren't going to stick around to see if the cloud looks like a mushroom or any other type of fungus, but I'm sure CNN and FOX will love that Kodak moment that can run endlessly for weeks to pump up the so-called commander-in-chief's macho image. And Rumsfeld, well if that man is capable of such a thing, he may just have multiple orgasms. I shudder to even think about it.

General Cartwright said the United States was examining whether the missile could be launched from parts of the ocean that would not put the missile on a trajectory toward Russian territory.

Gee. That might be a good idea - probably the only good one to come out of this convoluted scheme. Piss off the Russians and you're toast. The Cold War will have morphed into the Overheated War and the rest, as they say, will be history - along with thousands of people who will get caught in the crossfire.

Haven't they got better things to do in the Pentagon? Like figuring out how to end the Afghanistan and Iraq wars or are those just so yesterday? If Rummy needs a hobby, let him take up golf.

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