19 Years Clean & Sober

Nineteen years ago today, while I very slowly trudged down the sidewalk on the way to my bank loaded up on Valium - feeling like I was just too damn tired of life to even take another step - I didn't "just say no", I said "f*ck this sh*t!".

I knew that day, as I had known for quite a while, that as a single parent who was stoned 24/7 on whatever was a handy escape from reality I could not provide anything like a decent life for my then 9 year-old daughter. She was troubled - deeply so.

I had no idea what it would take that time to pull myself together enough to admit my powerlessness and to give her the life she deserved, but I knew it was then or never.

It took many, many years to mend my disastrous ways and to rid myself of the guilt I felt for not fully being there for my only child - a child who deserved every ounce of love and support she could gather to make it through this tough world - but I got clean and did what I could. I committed to it and saw it through with a good support system. That system disappeared when I left my abusive ex-husband, so I had to make it on my own for many years, but I survived because of the solid foundation I had made.

My daughter still bears some of those emotional scars even though she has done her best to heal. I've not fully forgiven myself by choosing to believe that I had done the best I could at the time, as some others urged so strongly. But, I do see in her today a tough, discerning and smart woman whose past has made her so determined. She's a great mom and she's provided her children with her wisdom and strength. I'm very proud of her and who she has become. She's a testament to the fact that there's more to life than just surviving. She has thrived.

I'm fortunate to have counselled homeless addicts and alcoholics in my life before I became disabled by illness. Those clients taught me more than they'll ever know. I thank them quietly every day. Some are gone now; some have been clean for a while too; others are still living the hard, hard life that will either claim them or set them free. Only time will tell.

I'll say to you what I said to so many of them: don't give up. Every single day is an opportunity and this moment is really all you have.

As Andy in the movie The Shawshank Redemption said:

"Get busy living, or get busy dying."

It really is that simple. Sometimes, however, it just isn't that easy to do.